Closure: Can You Move On Without It?
Ah, “closure.” The idea we all so desperately cling to, hoping it will solve all our heartache woes. If only closure was as easy as Rachel leaving Ross a drunken 30-second voicemail.
Closure symbolizes reaching a peaceful and clear conclusion with and toward a person, entity, or idea. Without that peaceful dissolution, the process of moving forward can be a longer road for most people.
So the question is, can you move on without it?
Short answer: no.
Long answer: yes, but you need to continue reading.
What is “closure” REALLY?
In simple terms, closure gives a sense of completion and release of a relationship to the individuals involved. However, closure is something that varies from person to person and depends on the relationship and how it ended.
The type of closure we typically think of is when two people come together (in person, by email, etc.) after having reflected on themselves and the relationship and discussing what they feel is needed to discuss.
In an IDEAL world, this conversation involves answering questions, mutually revealing how each could have been better, showing appreciation for their time together, and parting ways peacefully.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t usually happen. I got lucky enough to have this kind of closure with someone I was with for many years, but I have also experienced the opposite.
After experiencing it both ways, I can tell you why the latter is so difficult.
TRIGGER WARNING: Topic of miscarriage. Skip to the next section if this is a sensitive topic for you.
I understand a lot of you don’t resonate with or can’t comprehend the feeling of having a miscarriage, but this is my way of attempting to help you understand why a lack of closure can make healing difficult.
When you have experienced a miscarriage, you understand that, in some ways, you will never truly get closure — you don’t really get closure from that kind of thing. You constantly question what you could have done differently because you didn’t get the outcome you wanted.
You blame yourself, you blame the other person, and you blame the circumstances. It’s a situation where you have seemingly endless unanswered questions and seemingly endless feelings of contempt and shame toward yourself. The grief you feel eventually just gets less and less until it’s subsided (for the most part).
You’re holding onto what could have been.
I was talking with a friend (shoutout) about closure, and he explained how he felt if he had some form of it, he wouldn’t be idealizing his past relationship for something it wasn’t. He was holding onto the potential of the relationship due to all the unanswered questions he had.
I explained to him how that was a valid feeling because when I finally got closure from an ex-partner of many years, I felt at peace and finally began to feel free from that relationship and the “what ifs” associated with it. Why? Because we were both sorry, and we mutually expressed the love we will always have for each other.
I told my friend that unfortunately, sometimes the other person doesn’t want to give us closure, and we must find it within ourselves somehow. Easier said than done, I know.
It just takes a little bit longer. You need to mourn the dream of what could have been.
To quote Oliva Rodrigo, “love is embarrassing.”
Listen… the things we do/say when we’re hurt and angry are SO cringe. I’ve honestly done it all. You know — the impulsive texts, scathing letters, and dramatically sending all their gifts and things back that were too painful to keep but too sentimental to throw away.
Of course, I have regrets — we all have done or said things we would take back if we could. We’re supposed to be constantly growing, no?
I think part of the reason we crave closure is because we’re aware of our poor behaviour at the end of a relationship.
You’re ashamed of said behaviour and feel like your ex forever holds that version of you who was so unrecognizable. The version of you that you did everything to shed after the breakup. You just want them to see this better version of yourself to somehow prove yourself worthy.
You think about what you wish you weren’t during the relationship but I can almost guarantee that at some point during the breakup, your ex was wishing how they could have appreciated those little things more or learned to work with them.
My sweet love, there will always be ways you could have been better in a relationship.
But if you behaved very unlike yourself at the end of the relationship, that should give you an answer right there. If you were acting “crazy,” ask yourself what drove you there.
OR if you behaved the way you normally do in relationships, that gives you a much-needed answer about yourself.
Why do you want closure? Be honest with yourself.
If closure isn’t granted to you, figuring out why you are craving it can help you answer your own questions.
Did it end badly, and you want peace? Are you hoping for friendship? Reconciliation? Do you want acknowledgment and an apology? Do YOU want to apologize? All of the above?
Sometimes we want closure simply because there are things we wish we could say once we’ve reflected and calmed down.
You can re-read the texts a million times and think about what you both could have done differently, but unfortunately, it’s not going to change the outcome.
Word of advice: I know it can be very difficult to do — because you’re holding onto whatever is left of that relationship — but DELETE the texts. Even if it takes having a friend by your side to help you press delete, that’s okay. However, if you’re just not ready, that’s okay too. But keep checking in with yourself asking why you can’t let go.
Write a letter releasing all of those harbouring feelings, but don’t send it unless you think it’s appropriate. It’s probably most likely not, lol. Hey, maybe all you need to say to them is “good luck knowing the best is behind you.”
Lol no, in all seriousness…
Sometimes you just miss them.
It’s natural to miss someone you’ve spent time and been vulnerable with. It’s natural to ponder the “dream” of what could have been.
Keep reminding yourself why the relationship ended. If you have regrets of any sort, learn from them. Learn how you will treat the situation the next time you meet your ex in someone else.
How will you respond differently?
Act as though you will never get that apology or that talk, because chances are, you won’t. And you just have to accept that cold hard truth.
Talk about it with your friends, family, therapist, or whoever.
As I mentioned earlier, the grief you feel eventually just gets less and less until it’s subsided.
