How To Stop Being “Too Nice.”
I’ve seen it firsthand: a nice person goes from being sweet, caring, and patient to cold, resentful, and bitter. This is a result of being repeatedly used or taken for granted by the wrong people.
Being “nice” isn’t the problem — it’s being OVERLY nice that’s the problem.
So, my fellow pathological people-pleasers: This is for you.
I’ve been considered the “nice girl” my entire life.
Feeling sad and/or lonely? Call Alexa. Feeling like your world is crumbling and need a pick me up? Call Alexa. Dealing with f*ckboy Adam who won’t text you good morning after your third date? Yep, you guessed it — call Alexa.
Anyone who knows me knows I have historically had issues saying no; it probably stems from my childhood or some psychological sh*t like that.
No, but seriously, it stems from a place of simply wanting people to like you. It also stems from a place of wanting to save others, just as you wanted to be saved as a child.
Being “too agreeable” has gotten me into emotional trouble. I’m not telling you to be rude, disagreeable, egotistical, or anything like that. Being a nice person is a beautiful thing.
But I need you to repeat after me: not being able to apply moderation to your actions is the underlying problem.
Learn to say “no” because BOUNDARIES.
Quite unfathomably simple, eh? Yeah, not really.
You don’t ALWAYS need an excuse if you don’t want to do something. I have recently learned that I can simply say, “Hey, I’m not feeling up for it today/tonight” and not have to conjure up some elaborate excuse. This applies to quite simply anything that I feel extends the energy I have at that moment.
It’s okay — if they’re a decent person, they won’t hate you.
Having boundaries is a GOOD thing. Those worthy in your life will respect your boundaries and like you for having them. When you learn to say no, you are saving your energy for the moments you truly need to expel it.
I’ve been applying this mindset to dating recently. If I am not comfortable with something or a plan doesn't work for me for whatever reason, I be (politely) sayin’ no. OR I establish a boundary like, “Hey, I’ll meet you at X station, but I’d greatly appreciate a ride home for my safety.”
And if they don’t like it? Oh well, moving on.
Stop being convenient.
Okay, I’m not telling you to be an a-hole; I'm simply saying you need to stop doing what others wouldn’t do for you.
When you do too much or you’re constantly available, you’re overvaluing the other person over yourself. People with true confidence don’t behave this way. Are these people doing anything that warrants what you’re giving them? Be honest with yourself.
I have come to understand that some people in my life haven't loved me for me but have loved me for being compliant. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s true. In some ways, it’s my own fault.
You get what you tolerate.
It’s twisted to think about, but it’s a staggering truth. You quite honestly need to teach people how to treat you.
If someone sees you think so lowly of yourself that you’ll continually accept poor treatment, they will never respect you. You’re just rewarding someone for minimal effort, which is tragic because you have SO MUCH to offer.
Don’t be a sucker; no one will think highly of you. Being a sucker will attract toxic people into your life, and you know what these people are? Cowards.
They don’t want to meet their match; they want someone compliant. They seek people who are struggling, broken, or weak.
So don’t be easy prey.
Give what you receive.
(I’m sorry, this was the ONLY image I could find)
Do you give more than you receive? Story of my life. When you do this and never get replenished, you end up drained. I can promise you that it WILL backfire.
There have been several moments in my life where I’ve thought to myself, “They wouldn't do this for me,” and you know what? Yeah, they didn’t. So, neither should you.
It freaking HURTS when you realize this truth. You become angry and despise the idea of ever being nice again when life slaps you with this reality.
But please don’t be bitter. In some ways, I clearly knew these individuals wouldn’t do the same for me, but I continued anyway rather than parting ways. Some people will show you equal effort and energy, and THESE are the people who deserve what you give.
Instead of being bitter and resentful, I’ve decided I’m not going to give what I’m not receiving any more. This saves me future pain.
Don’t overcompensate to keep someone in your life; you will end up lifeless and broken-hearted, my sweet love.
So, should I be a stone-cold B who don’t give a flying F?
No, lol. Well, yes AND no. You SHOULD give a flying F about people, but not what they think of you. That’s next week’s blog post. ;)
Focus not so much on being nice but on being kind.
There’s a difference: being too nice is a subconscious bribe for people to like you; being kind is to be a genuine, empathetic, and compassionate person. Being kind comes from the heart — it’s not a front.
What we must remember is BALANCE. I’ve learned that I have no problem being nice; I just know exactly when to flip a switch if someone starts to abuse their privileges. Not that I’ll be mean, but simply indifferent. This way, I can give all that energy to those who are genuine and deserve it.
We must also remember to never let the world dim our shine. Your light is beautiful and worthy; simply blinding (in the best way).
And how should I apply this to dating?
Be your kind and authentic self and watch for red flags or incompatibilities. Be honest (with yourself AND the person) about what you need or want early on, so you don't end up wasting your time and energy. If someone proves to be anything but that, part ways as soon as possible so no one gets hurt.
Now, when I date, I’m very upfront about my needs, wants, and desires.
