The Lie in Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” No One Told You About.
(Coming from “the girl with the broken smile.”)
Despite the fact that no one should trust anything that comes out of Adam Levine’s mouth at this point, we’ve all been there. We’ve ALL screamed and cried "She will be loved” dramatically thinking about our own deluded narrative.
I mean, who DOESN’T love the idea of being saved by a handsome, dark knight — madly in love with you?
Well, I’m here to tell you, she WON’T be loved.
Hear me out: I remember being 15 years old listening to this song and showing my then-BF, to which he cringingly responded, “I’ve found the girl with the broken smile”. I ate that sh*t UP. A few weeks later he took my virginity and lost interest, lol. I thought to myself, “he knew my struggles, he knew my past, why would he do this to me?”
First of all, he was 16. Second, he was a bit of an a-hole, and third/most importantly, I wasn't his to save.
I thought it was trendy/moody to be “that girl.”
Not that it was a lie — I was most definitely a broken person for most of my life. However, it’s very evident in the culture and society we live in that we all romanticize a “hero saves damsel in distress” narrative.
Well, I’m SO OVER this narrative. It’s been ingrained in us at such a young age, that at times it feels almost impossible not to lead with that mentality in relationships. We want to believe that someone is going to love us exactly as we are: broken, weathered, and blue. We want to be saved.
Not only did I internally want to be saved, I wanted to do the saving. I wanted to believe “love is enough” to help someone. I went into relationships in my early adulthood believing this wholeheartedly — not realizing if someone doesn't want to be “saved”, they won’t be. No matter how hard you try. We should strive to be protected by our partners, not saved. Unless it’s from a big scary bear or a local Canadian goose, of course.
Relationships are meant to be equal.
Yeah, yeah. We’ve all heard this. I’m not talking about money or status; I’m talking about efforts and accountability. Those efforts aren't just for the relationship itself, but for the version of you that you want to be. If you are constantly moping and harbouring resentment over someone not giving you the attention or care that you feel you deserve, they’ll start to believe you don’t see the ways in which they do show their care. OR they’ll start to wonder why you’re even there to begin with.
Now hold up, our partners SHOULD be emotionally supportive — don’t get me wrong.
What we owe our partners is love, compassion, care, patience, honesty, and kindness. We do not, however, owe them perfection or “unconditional love.” That’s for parents and their children/pets.
We are meant to be there in good times and in hard times, but you aren't owed anything if you can’t ever get yourself back up and/or depend on your partner to do that for you. That’s just the plain, rock-hard truth.
NOTE: Healing as a couple is a whole different story for a later blog post. I’m talking about healing as an individual here — so that you’re able to heal WITH your partner and properly tackle issues together once you’re in a relationship.
No one “owes” you anything just because you’re broken.
I’ve had to learn this the hard way. When I find myself wallowing in my own self-pity, I remember that this is a ME problem. If you want to receive the love you deserve, you need to BE the love you deserve. You have to stop blaming everyone else and start to point the fingers at yourself. Why are you feeling this way? Why aren’t you getting the outcomes you want in relationships?
It’s not your job to focus on what the other person did wrong — that’s their job. If they’re unable to do so, that says more about them than you.
I highly recommend reading Dr. Nicole LePera’s HOW TO BE THE LOVE YOU SEEK for more in-depth insights on this matter.
So, how on EARTH do I begin?
Recently, I watched a video on YouTube by relationship coach and guru, Stephan Speaks, where he spoke about finding your worth, while single. I know this seems so blatantly obvious, but I think we as humans are hard-wired to crave validation from those around us; ESPECIALLY in romantic relationships. We almost view singleness as a big fat label across our foreheads’ saying “unworthy.” Stephan spoke a lot about the importance of what we do with this time.
You don’t need to be happy that you’re single, but you need to know HOW to be happy while you are.
So many times couples will break up and get back together a million times but not realize that what they needed to do before anything was become whole on their own. You know what they all say: “Time heals all wounds.” Yes, I’m cringing just as much as you are at that statement, but unfortunately, it’s very true. Others will jump right back into a new relationship before the wounds have even closed. Stop running — it is so dangerous; I speak from experience.
The time to heal, obtain peace, and work on building your life and/or mental health back up is very crucial. Solitude does wonders for the soul if you use it correctly — begin there.
Babe, you don’t have to live by your “broken” narrative.
If you do this, you will ultimately attract what you put out there. I’m sorry, but no one is coming to save you. You need to pick yourself back up. You need to save yourself. You are NOT going to receive the love you deserve until you are both whole, together. You CAN be a “whole person” and still have your trauma, mental health struggles, and pain.
As long as you don’t identify yourself as broken and are endlessly working on yourself,
