A Season of Solitude (PART TWO): The Four Steps to HEALING.

Single does NOT have to mean lonely and depressed. In last week’s blog post, I got into the benefits of partaking in elective solitude. I talked about the concept of being “whole” before getting into a romantic relationship as well as why embracing solitude is vital for true inner work.

This week we get into the EXACT steps I took on my road to healing.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a licensed clinical psychologist; I am simply someone who has faced different forms of trials and tribulations and would like to give you my friendship-like advice based on what I’ve learned through my journey as well as my daily readings.

Mkay? Cool.

First step: Deal with the gut-wrenching pain and anger.

Face it head-on. Whether that be grief, the loss of a job, a friendship, or a relationship, face the fact that at first, it SUCKS to be alone as you cry yourself to sleep on a tear-soaked pillow most nights. Face the fact that it feels like the agony will never ease — that it’s hard to even get through the long, dreadful days at first.

When you feel yourself wanting to cry, for the love of God, just CRY. Don’t reject what your body is telling you to do; you’ll sob a sound resembling a dying whale for a few minutes and then you’ll be okay.

Journal your thoughts — your anger, listen to sad songs, look at the pictures that are hard to look at (and then angrily curse them like a psycho), watch sad movies, cry some more and repeat. 

Repeat until you find that it doesn't hurt so much anymore. 

Some days you’ll be like, “WATCH OUT, I’M F***ING HEALED MOFOS” and other days you’re like, “Dang, it still hurts like hell inside.” That’s okay; trust the process and let the wheels keep turning. 

Step two: Reflect.

Probably the most vital, yet difficult thing to do (especially if you’re stubborn) is to reflect on your situation. Reflect on yourself, your choices and patterns; reflect on the people in your life from the past and the present, and reflect on who uplifts you/who brings you down. 

But again — do this on YOUR OWN because the people in our lives tend to be biased. You need to be able to truly sit with yourself and look into your past leading you up to the present day.

If you focus on vilifying anyone who’s ever hurt you (even if they are the villain) and don’t look within as well, you’ll be stuck in a victim mentality and won’t be able to truly flourish.

At the end of the day, if you’ve allowed people to hurt you time and time again, that’s on you, babe (please don’t take offence, I’m also talking to myself when I say this lol).

We are all flawed and can do better — even the “victims.”  When you become an A-plus person, you’ll never accept B-minus treatment again. 

So ask yourself the tough questions. 

Are you afraid of stability?
Are you easily bored?
Do you have commitment issues? Trust issues?

Some of those very issues are the reason you attract people who embody them. Facing the answers to the tough questions will help you in all aspects of your life (career, relationships, family) IF you choose to implement the necessary changes. 

NOTE: Something I have taken up during my season of solitude is reading self-help and psychology books to educate myself on the human mind. This has done me wonders.
At the bottom of the page, I’ve shared the books that have helped me personally, as well as books on my list.

Step three: Figure out who YOU are without someone. 

You’re probably rolling your eyes at this statement (so am I) but you HAVE TO DO IT, OKAY? When you hate being alone, you’re easy to manipulate and tend to accept poor treatment.

Since I was 15, I’ve been in constant long-term relationships. I never really had a moment to learn who I was without someone in those vital years; I think that was a partial cause for a lot of my identity issues (like trying to choose a goddamn career for most of my twenties).

If you’ve found yourself engaging in a similar pattern, please take the time to learn all things you after you’ve gone through the first two stages listed. Start by asking some simple questions. For example, I had to legitimately ask myself, “Who is Alexa?”

My answer?

Alexa is a soft, delicate flower yet dark and raunchy; she’s warm and sensitive yet sarcastic and sassy. Alexa is humble and compassionate but stubborn as hell (working on it), she’s smart and talented but a little cocky as well. 

Alexa also likes to rhyme. 

What I love most about myself, though, is that I am authentically, imperfectly me (I sense more eye-rolls).

So ask yourself: Who are you? What do you like or dislike? This can be the good, the bad, the ugly, the funny — all of it (you don’t have to rhyme like me, I’m just a weird freak).

Do things YOU want to do.

This is a great time for pursuing hobbies or learning new things about yourself so take the time while you have it to do so. If you’re like me and you pour out the entire contents of your soul to someone you love (lol), then this is a vital thing to do for yourself.

This is the only time in your life that you’ll have to pour into yourself entirely because one day, you will be pouring into someone else as well. 

For example, I promised myself I would indulge in the things I love more than anything: writing and creating music.

Step four: Be REALISTIC.

I say that with the utmost sass in my tone. If you’re going to remember anything, it should be this: healing isn’t a linear line and you can never predict what it will look like for you. These steps will sometimes repeat themselves and that’s okay.

I don’t think it’s realistic to think that any of us will ever be 100 percent “whole” on our own — that’s not what this is about. It’s about understanding who you are, bettering yourself every day, knowing how to self-soothe and most importantly, feeling comfort in solitude. The only person certain to always be in your life is you so you might as well like yourself. 

Step four is where I’m at currently so I’ll let you know what’s next once I get there. 

Closing thoughts?

Don’t expect perfection within yourself because that will NEVER happen; however, there will come a point where you’ll feel at peace with your reflection, with what you’ve been through and with what you’ve learned.

You don’t have to be at peace with the choices you’ve made but you have to be at peace with where you are because of them.

THAT is when you know you’re ready for someone; that is when you know you’re “whole.” Just remember to be easy on yourself but also not TOO easy on yourself.

You have to keep moving forward my dear, sweet, baby love.

Book Suggestions:

The Mountain Is You - Brianna Wiest
The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel van der Kolk
How to Do the Work - Nicole LePera
Stop Overthinking - Nick Trenton
Attached - Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Forgiving What You Can’t Forget - Lisa TerKeurst
Atomic Habits - James Clear
The Power of Discipline - Daniel Walter