Why “Compatibility” Is Overrated.
I don’t think compatibility — alone — is a true measure of whether two people should be together or not; I do, however, believe CONNECTION is the most powerful pillar of a lasting relationship/marriage.
You can have your differences with someone but if you both decide to equally work with and listen to one another, those incompatibilities can be worked on.
That being said, of course, there are some non-negotiables of compatibility. When you’re looking for a potential partner, you need to “break the fantasy” and ask the real questions so you don’t waste your time.
Yeah, yeah… so what are these “non-negotiables of compatibility?”
1. You like them.
It’s perfectly normal to NOT love every single thing about your partner. It’s also normal to point out the things you think your partner should work on (we should always want to better ourselves) but if you’re actively trying to change the person (e.g., their personality, interests, beliefs, etc.), then that’s a sign you’re not compatible.
If you’re getting into a relationship with someone with the pre-notion that you can eventually change them, you simply don’t like them for who they present. You should want to show them off, not hide them away.
It’s so easy to fall in love with someone’s potential.
Yes, some people DO change but you don’t want to try to be with someone at a time when they are not yet what you like/need, hoping for a change. You should get into something, liking the person that they currently present as.
2. You’re attracted to them.
Whether it’s intellectually, emotionally, physically, or all three, attraction is easily one of the top pillars of compatibility (no matter how hard we try to deny it). Attraction IS something that can be built up over time (not often), so as long as it’s there, you’re safe.
You need to be realistic with yourself and understand that you can only fake it for so long — you need to think about if this is something you can do for years to come. Without attraction, can you be as respectful and affectionate toward your partner?
Be honest, babe. They gotta at least be cute if they’re gonna get on your last nerve, right?
A perfect example of this is my cat, Bleu. He annoys me to no end with his constant whining and cable chewing but he’s cute so he gets a pass.
NOTE: I will dive deeper into the importance of attraction in relationships in a future blog post.
3. You don’t display TOO many differences.
Do you want the same things in your future (marriage, kids, live in the city or countryside, etc.)?
Do you agree on the values you want to instill in your children?
Do you agree — for the most part — on politics and religion?
Do you both enjoy similar leisure activities?
It can even be something minor like music for some people. I mean, talking from real-life experience, if I don’t like someone’s music taste, I lose a bit of respect for them. I’M SORRY, I KNOW IT’S HORRIBLE BUT MUSIC IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
Anywho… differences should bring balance, not conflict.
A note about differences:
I believe connection can triumph over most differences between two people. Why? Because true connection allows you to see the beauty in your differences and work together to integrate them to make something beautiful.
However, if the difference is something non-negotiable like one person wants to get married and/or have kids and the other doesn’t, or one person refuses to drink Bud Light and the other has pronouns in their bio, there’s no working around that.
4. You understand each other.
A lot of people have the mentality of “If it doesn’t make sense to me, it’s stupid.”
It’s so easy for us to fall into a defensive response but try your best not to reject someone’s feelings. Instead, simply take a breath, listen, and empathize before responding; otherwise, you end up devaluing and dismissing the person.
You must understand your partner and tap into their feelings to love them properly and you must WANT to understand how to love them. Understanding doesn’t have to mean we need to see it how they see it or that we must agree with them, it means we want to listen and try to see their point of view.
How your partner reacts to your sadness or things that upset you should tell you what you need to know. Understanding and connecting with your partner takes compassion and empathy; if you’re closed-minded in a relationship, it will never prosper.
So, what IS connection?
Sometimes we confuse chemistry with connection.
Chemistry is at the surface — you feel excitement and nervousness around this person. Connection is real — you feel comfort and safety around this person. They are home.
Connection is when you have a friendship foundation; you can be your most honest and authentic self around this person without force. It’s when you love the real person (quirks, weird voices, imperfections and all), not just who they presented at the beginning.
Connection means your paths align; you BOTH want the two kids and the white picket fence with Friday night pizza and board games. It’s losing AND growing together — a deep desire for one another that is consistently nourished.
Connection means you are both equally open and willing to work on those communication issues, family issues, money issues, etc. so that you don’t end up harbouring resentment.
And if you don’t have a connection?
Without it, those compatibilities are surface level — you’re just settling. When you have a connection, your efforts will be genuine and you’ll be more motivated to keep up your efforts long-term. I mean, none of us want to end up with a roommate we just tolerate.
On the flip side, if you DO have it, you will be able to come to an understanding of those more minor incompatibilities. You will WANT to embrace each other’s individual needs, perceptions, and desires.
But don’t force it. If it’s not natural, it will never be there.
